Re: Starting to get really down

From: Ms Lee (
Fri Feb 11 22:55:08 2005

My history is NO different, I am in-operable, have 2 large bowel/small bowel fistula's from adhesions/tons of surgeries & partial obstructions.

Next surgery I was promised a colostomy & double bowel resection and I am 48. All Docs said to get on with my life and they will not touch me unless its life threatening and they have NO choice. Right now I have choice, NO SURGERY!!

I finally figured it out, it is not how hard you fall, its how soft you land. I had to accept my disease because there was no fix for my case. Yes, they give me #100 oxycodone a month, the rest of my case management comes from within.

I know I will never be cured, so I stopped my desperation to be "fixed" and changed my focus to quality of life. I had to find the balance of disease management and living my life without elective imprisonment. The disease has taken enough away from me and it makes no sense to voluntarily allow it to take more.

I hate my adhesive disease, I hate my struggle with food, I hate the emotional hangups and self esteem issues it has caused, I hate making excuses to friends to avoid food socials, I hate hoping I find a bathroom in time, I hate sitting at the table when others eat at holidays and I do not, I hate the pain, I hate being addicted to narcotics, I hate wondering when its gonna act up and place me in an embarrassing situo..I hate it all.

But, I am so grateful to be alive, and if this is the worst thing life can deal me, I got off light :-))


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