Thank you for your special words to Cherryl. I am not very good with words because I am just now understanding my illnesses. I hope your words will help Cherryl.
Sincerely, Lynn
>Dear Cherryl,
>
>I just finished reading your post to Lynn and I just HAD to write to
>you......
>
>Sometimes I read posts like yours Cherryl and angry hot tears roll down
>my cheeks and cloud my judgement, it makes me want to shake someone
>HARD!! Living with constant debilitating pain is bad enough, but to try
>and do it without your partners support is just unbelievable!
>
>I am sure that your husband is hurting right now Cherryl, his concern
>about finances is a valid one, I know that my illness made a HUGE
>difference to our income and lifestyle. It did take a while for my
>husband to realise that something wasn't right and it was more than me
>just trying to recover from an horrendous hysterectomy and then an
>emergancy surgery five days later.... I was in serious and debilitating
>pain and I was having trouble getting doctors to believe me.
>
>Shane came to all my doctors visits with me, that way he knew exactly
>what was said and done at all times. I am not sure if you would be able
>to convince your husband to do this too, but it would make him realise
>just how bad this is for you.
>
>Have you ever talked to him, sat down, without tears and matter of
>factly explained exactly what is happening to you? Have you discussed
>the pain and discomfort sex causes you? When we take our wedding vows
>"In SICKNESS and in HEALTH" is a very important promise and committment
>we make to each other .... is there a gentle way you could quietly
>remind your husband about that promise?
>
>Cherryl, find your husband a lovely card, something with a theme that
>appeals to your husbands taste - preferably blank inside, free from any
>writing at all. Find a quiet time when you are alone and write to him
>from your heart, explain what he means to you and your son, talk about
>the committment you made to each other when you married and touch on
>some of the special moments you have shared so far. Then Cherryl,
>explain your pain, explain how you struggle to keep up "appearances" how
>you just want to be a good wife, a good mother and simply a good person.
>Tell him that now you are both facing an important challenge and that it
>is one you need to face together. Explain how the pain affects you,
>describe it, talk about your intimate time together and what it means to
>you but also explain the pain it causes. Suggest different ways for you
>both to enjoy intamacy but reduce the pain and tell him you look forward
>to the day when normal intamacy can be restored. Tell him why you
>married him and why you love him and how much he means to you.....
>
>Communication is so vital Cherryl, when times are good and especially
>when times are tough... if he won't discuss it, write it down and give
>it to him and ask him to read it, or leave it on his pillow or put it on
>his favourite chair. The best way for him to read it is alone, so that
>he doesn't have to hide his feelings or emotions, give him the space to
>digest the information and think about what he has read......
>
>Please don't misunderstand me, I am not saying that you aren't already
>doing these things.... I am simply offering some suggestions on ways to
>help him understand. ((((Cherryl)))) cyber hugs to you and your
>family.... ARD doesn't just affect the sufferer, it affects the whole
>family and I know that there are times when I have had to remind myself
>of that too. I am glad you get enjoyment from your son and that you
>focus on him to help you push on and get through, but don't leave your
>husband out of that focus, because he will "sense" it, he might not "see
>it", but he could be feeling it and that would explain his reaction to
>your pain. The intamacy could be him reassuring himself that you still
>love and need him, and it could be his way of telling you that you are
>important to him.
>
>I don't presume to know your personal circumstances, but your post
>brings a subject to the board that many hint at from time to time and
>most think about at some time or another. Even though we experience
>pain, we crave the intamacy too, but our bodies go into "self
>preservation mode", it is a subconcious thing and if we aren't aware of
>it it can take control of our actions and reactions to physical contact.
>Many of us have discussed this issue on msn chat or in the bombobeach
>chat room .... Experiment
>
>Cherryl, find ways to satisfy both of you that doesn't cause you pain. I
>am not ashamed to say that my husband and I have and do this... we have
>discussed it quite openly and he knows that I talk about our
>relationship. Why? Because he knows that I simply want to reach out to
>others and help them through talking about my personal experience and
>what we learned while going through this ordeal. I am adhesions pain
>free now, BUT I still experience pain because of lasting affects from
>adhesions on my bladder and bowel. That goal of minimal pain is still
>in sight, it's just moved back a little bit and that's ok, because I
>know I can still see the goal posts.
>
>I hope I haven't embarassed you or presumed too much, I am just a friend
>who just wants to help.
>
>Love & warm gentle hugs,
>Jo
>
>--
>Joanne Eslick
>Founder Australian Adhesions Support Group
>http://www.bombobeach.com
>NSW Australian Co-ordinator of
>International Adhesions Society
>http://www.adhesions.org
>
>--
>I am not a medical person, and all my messages are based
>on personal experience. I am a fellow adhesions sufferer
>reaching out to help others.
>
-- A new friend