To Cherryl from Jo

From: Jo Eslick (joanne@bombobeach.com)
Mon Sep 23 19:22:37 2002


Dear Cherryl,

I just finished reading your post to Lynn and I just HAD to write to you......

Sometimes I read posts like yours Cherryl and angry hot tears roll down my cheeks and cloud my judgement, it makes me want to shake someone HARD!! Living with constant debilitating pain is bad enough, but to try and do it without your partners support is just unbelievable!

I am sure that your husband is hurting right now Cherryl, his concern about finances is a valid one, I know that my illness made a HUGE difference to our income and lifestyle. It did take a while for my husband to realise that something wasn't right and it was more than me just trying to recover from an horrendous hysterectomy and then an emergancy surgery five days later.... I was in serious and debilitating pain and I was having trouble getting doctors to believe me.

Shane came to all my doctors visits with me, that way he knew exactly what was said and done at all times. I am not sure if you would be able to convince your husband to do this too, but it would make him realise just how bad this is for you.

Have you ever talked to him, sat down, without tears and matter of factly explained exactly what is happening to you? Have you discussed the pain and discomfort sex causes you? When we take our wedding vows "In SICKNESS and in HEALTH" is a very important promise and committment we make to each other .... is there a gentle way you could quietly remind your husband about that promise?

Cherryl, find your husband a lovely card, something with a theme that appeals to your husbands taste - preferably blank inside, free from any writing at all. Find a quiet time when you are alone and write to him from your heart, explain what he means to you and your son, talk about the committment you made to each other when you married and touch on some of the special moments you have shared so far. Then Cherryl, explain your pain, explain how you struggle to keep up "appearances" how you just want to be a good wife, a good mother and simply a good person. Tell him that now you are both facing an important challenge and that it is one you need to face together. Explain how the pain affects you, describe it, talk about your intimate time together and what it means to you but also explain the pain it causes. Suggest different ways for you both to enjoy intamacy but reduce the pain and tell him you look forward to the day when normal intamacy can be restored. Tell him why you married him and why you love him and how much he means to you.....

Communication is so vital Cherryl, when times are good and especially when times are tough... if he won't discuss it, write it down and give it to him and ask him to read it, or leave it on his pillow or put it on his favourite chair. The best way for him to read it is alone, so that he doesn't have to hide his feelings or emotions, give him the space to digest the information and think about what he has read......

Please don't misunderstand me, I am not saying that you aren't already doing these things.... I am simply offering some suggestions on ways to help him understand. ((((Cherryl)))) cyber hugs to you and your family.... ARD doesn't just affect the sufferer, it affects the whole family and I know that there are times when I have had to remind myself of that too. I am glad you get enjoyment from your son and that you focus on him to help you push on and get through, but don't leave your husband out of that focus, because he will "sense" it, he might not "see it", but he could be feeling it and that would explain his reaction to your pain. The intamacy could be him reassuring himself that you still love and need him, and it could be his way of telling you that you are important to him.

I don't presume to know your personal circumstances, but your post brings a subject to the board that many hint at from time to time and most think about at some time or another. Even though we experience pain, we crave the intamacy too, but our bodies go into "self preservation mode", it is a subconcious thing and if we aren't aware of it it can take control of our actions and reactions to physical contact. Many of us have discussed this issue on msn chat or in the bombobeach chat room .... Experiment

Cherryl, find ways to satisfy both of you that doesn't cause you pain. I am not ashamed to say that my husband and I have and do this... we have discussed it quite openly and he knows that I talk about our relationship. Why? Because he knows that I simply want to reach out to others and help them through talking about my personal experience and what we learned while going through this ordeal. I am adhesions pain free now, BUT I still experience pain because of lasting affects from adhesions on my bladder and bowel. That goal of minimal pain is still in sight, it's just moved back a little bit and that's ok, because I know I can still see the goal posts.

I hope I haven't embarassed you or presumed too much, I am just a friend who just wants to help.

Love & warm gentle hugs, Jo

--
Joanne Eslick
Founder Australian Adhesions Support Group
http://www.bombobeach.com
NSW Australian Co-ordinator of
International Adhesions Society
http://www.adhesions.org

--
I am not a medical person, and all my messages are based
on personal experience.  I am a fellow adhesions sufferer
reaching out to help others.

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