Re: When Friends Turn Away: We've all had the feeling of loss when people turn away.

From: Mary Wade (
Wed Jul 31 09:51:51 2002

Rose--It's so hard to read this. Dealing with the physical pain is enough without having to deal with types of rejection from friends and family.

I came up with a new reporting policy to deal with all the concerns/comments regarding "how are you doing?" requests from others. So often, those discussion have lead down paths that only added more frustration to my life. The reactions to the new reporting policy have been very least to me :)))) Here's the new Mary Policy. Once a year, I will sit down with a member of my beloved extended family and tell them anything they want to know about my health. I have no secrets. Then, if or friends....ask probing questions or start giving advice, I just say (with a lot of humor and a twinkle in my eye), "I only give health updates once a year to a representative from my extended family. Here's the number to call. Feel free to ask her anything you want. If you need surgical or medical reports, we can arrange to get those to you." It is a bit of a smart-mouth type of approach...but geee.....I'm having fun with it and I really like having a reprieve from those difficult interactions.

At Tue, 30 Jul 2002, wrote: >
>I have just experienced this loss...I had only thought I was being
>paranoid, but my brother-in-law inadvertently let the cat out of the bag
>this last weekend.
>For some time now, one set of our friends (a couple) have had all sorts
>of excuses for not spending time with us...working on house, sick pets,
>family gatherings, etc. For the most part they have been believable. A
>couple of times we were suspicious, like when we asked to use another
>friend's lake house only to learn that that couple had already asked to
>use it at that time...normally we all 4 go together and ask as a group
>for the time, planning menus and outings, etc. Well, we ended up going
>with them...but I now think it is only because we found out they were
>going and our other friend mentioned it to them.
>We used to be so close that you never saw one couple without the other.
>This last weekend, we were told that they would be busy...he was going
>to be working on the house, she was going to be running around with her
>sister. Instead, they had plans to spend the afternoon with my
>brother-in-law and cook out. Now we don't know what to do or say...I've
>gotten the impression before that neither one of them believe that my
>pain or conditions are real. She always makes a point about one of her
>other friends continuing to work after a car wreck left her partially
>disabled. (Sheila's conditions are physically apparent)
>My husband just wants to cut them off...he's really angry, especially
>since I said it was probably because of me. I've been tempted to write
>them a letter, asking that if it is me and my problems putting them off,
>not to punish my husband because of me. My husband suffers enough
>having to see me in pain and not be able to do anything about it.
>Thanks for letting me blubber on.
>kcmo rose

Mary Wade

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