To Rose Re: When Friends Turn Away: We've all had the feeling of loss when people turn away.

From: clare (
Wed Jul 31 08:06:03 2002

Dear Rose:

My close friend suffers from severe back pain caused by herniated discs, and just last Dec she had to have a defribulator installed in her heart. The back pain she has is very debilitating, and over a few years I've watched a few of her friends turn away from her. It broke my heart to see how this humiliated and hurt her.

I guess it was easier for me to see the flags go up with my own family, when it came to me. Now I've just quit showing the pain I'm in, and when someone asks how I am I just say fine. Sad, isn't it? Even my hubby doesn't know how bad I hurt. Believe me, people just do not understand....

To be charitable, I think that maybe it's just as hard for those who care about us to try to comprehend how someone who looks like they are okay can be suffering so much, as it is for us to understand why our loved ones turn away or say hurtful things. I wish I knew the answer.

I hope that you don't let this hurt you too much. Time will tell if they are true friends, and who knows, maybe they are having their own personal crisis and just need time away. Personally, I no longer expect others to understand that I hurt most of the time. I believe it's human nature to be self-absorbed, and as sad as this sounds, I try to accept that my pain is just that - my pain.

I will say a wee prayer for you.



At Tue, 30 Jul 2002, wrote: > >I have just experienced this loss...I had only thought I was being >paranoid, but my brother-in-law inadvertently let the cat out of the bag >this last weekend. > >For some time now, one set of our friends (a couple) have had all sorts >of excuses for not spending time with us...working on house, sick pets, >family gatherings, etc. For the most part they have been believable. A >couple of times we were suspicious, like when we asked to use another >friend's lake house only to learn that that couple had already asked to >use it at that time...normally we all 4 go together and ask as a group >for the time, planning menus and outings, etc. Well, we ended up going >with them...but I now think it is only because we found out they were >going and our other friend mentioned it to them. >We used to be so close that you never saw one couple without the other. > >This last weekend, we were told that they would be busy...he was going >to be working on the house, she was going to be running around with her >sister. Instead, they had plans to spend the afternoon with my >brother-in-law and cook out. Now we don't know what to do or say...I've >gotten the impression before that neither one of them believe that my >pain or conditions are real. She always makes a point about one of her >other friends continuing to work after a car wreck left her partially >disabled. (Sheila's conditions are physically apparent) > >My husband just wants to cut them off...he's really angry, especially >since I said it was probably because of me. I've been tempted to write >them a letter, asking that if it is me and my problems putting them off, >not to punish my husband because of me. My husband suffers enough >having to see me in pain and not be able to do anything about it. > >Thanks for letting me blubber on. > >kcmo rose

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