At Wed, 1 May 2002, Hchalm@aol.com wrote:
>
>To my IAS Family:
>
>Sorry I haven't been here, but when I am not feeling well, I feel I have
>nothing that I can offer anyone here when my pain is overtaking me mentally
>and physically. When I come back I feel quilty that I haven't been here for
>those that need help, but I just don't have the energy or strength to really
>give the attention and help to those that need it.
>
>I myself don't want to just come to the board and complain about this darn
>pain, so I tend to stay away. For some reason the pain has been relentless
>and I can't remember the last time I was pain free hour (I just want an hour
>to feel normal to not have this crushing terrible pain in my side that just
>will not let up). After days and days of fighting the pain one just feels so
>drained, so helpless, so useless, that there's nothing left to give.
>
>I was putting the dishes away the other night and there was a large knife
>lying on the counter and I couldn't help but look at it and think how easy it
>would be to just end all the pain in just a matter of seconds. Horrible
>thought, I know, and because of my children I wouldn't do it, but it seemed
>so easy and the thought of going on fighting this year after year after year
>is just too depressing. I almost wish that I could have surgery because then
>there would be some possibility of getting rid of this pain but because of
>the possibility of nerve damage or nerve entrapment I don't think that a
>surgeon would touch me or be able to help me with the pain.
>
>See, this is why I haven't been here; nothing good to say; and of course the
>saying goes, if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at
>all....
>
>Gosh, bet I put a smile on everyone's face with this one. Sorry gals, I
>didn't mean to be so down. Hey, wanna hold my hand?
>
>I love all of you and do miss you.
>
>Hell-yun