An old pain diary

From: J&L VERMEY (J.VERMEY@xtra.co.nz)
Tue Dec 11 20:31:36 2001


Dear friends

I was just rummaging in one of my boxes, when I came across an old pain diary of mine. And I was stunned with what I had written in it - considering I knew hardly anything about chronic pain. And yet, I had divided into two categories; physical and emotionally. So I thought I'd share it with you. This is what I had written:

Physically: I'm avoiding the smallest movement for the fear of increasing my pain. I'm holding my breath and tightening my muscles in anticipation of pain. Pain makes me wake up in the middle of the night and it is a chore to get out of bed in the morning. I'm feeling groggy and half-alert during the day. Pain interferes with my work and my home life. Pain is on my mind almost constantly. My friends and family can't understand it - because I still look like I used to look. But when look in the mirror and see the bags under my eyes and how pale and gaunt my face is from fighting pain I am surprised that they don't see it. I am struggling with feelings of frustration, isolation and loneliness.

Emotionally: I feel very depressed about the prospect of my recovery. I constantly think "This will never get better". I despair that I'll never be my old self again, able to enjoy, able to be spontaneous. Sometimes I just feel plain scared. I imagine the pain continuing until I am overwhelmed or crazy, until everything I love or count on is lost. I feel very resentful that this has happened to me. The pain makes me weak, unacceptable and useless. I lash out at others, blaming them for not helping me. My relationships are suffering.

Later when I was learning more I wrote:

You can change the way your pain feels by changing how your body and brain react.

Even later I wrote about negative thinking - and about the statements I used to make:

* I have no control over my pain * I'll never get better * This is going to get worse and worse - until I go crazy * This should never have happened to me. * I should have gotten better quicker than this! * I'll never work again. * He or she can never really understand this pain * I'll never be able to enjoy life again * It's all my (job's, boss's, doctor's, family's, spouse's) fault that I'm in this mess * It's all my fault that I'm in this mess * I'm headed for a lifetime of pain.

And recently I have been writing more positive things in my new diary:

* I can cope * Relax, I can manage the pain * I have managed this situation before, I can do it again * I am learning new coping skills every day * I am not a bad person because I have this pain * The pain comes and goes, I know how to take care of it. * No one thinks less of me because I have this pain * I am a loving person. * The pain comes in waves, soon it will start to abate. * I did the best I could, blaming is beside the point. * I've made reasonable choices, based on my awareness at the time. * Others are doing the best they can - they have their own priorities and needs that I can't hope to understand. * I do not have to be perfect. * Forget all the 'ought to be's" * I may get irritated when other people don't act according to my values, but other people may think differently than I do. They have different needs and values. * I wish I could be completely well, but I certainly have made some progress in certain areas. Even though it doesn't seem like much now, it will add up. * Sometimes improvement is not obvious at first, I'll give myself some time and patience. * When I start thinking the worst with little, or no evidence say: I have no proof of this, there are good reasons why this probably won't happen. I'll find a way to cope with whatever happens. * I am NOT a helpless victim. I have power over my situation to steadily change and improve it. I do not have to be totally in control of my own and other actions at all times. They are not helpless victims, adults and even children can make their own choices. * I will let myself feel scared, angry, or sad right now, but I know these feelings don't really give me an accurate picture of my situation. When I calm down and relax a little bit I'll assess my situations, problem or decision again. * I can get used to and cope with almost anything. I have skills, resources and friends. Look how much they have supported me and helped me cope already! * My life has not been totally diminished because I have this problem. * I can replace my losses with new things to do.

Quite a difference hu?

Love,

Lin :)


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