John has been so nice and understanding. This morning when I was getting breakfast ready and setting the table - he got out the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed - without me having to even ask him! At times like this I realise that I am really lucky. When we were first married I came to the realisation how much his parents had spoiled him - he had lived with his parents until he was 28 - and when he moved out he was living only a 15 minute walk away - his mother used to come over each day - and would tidy his home up - and take his laundry home....he even ate a lot of the time at his parents - and he didn't even know how to cook! But because he knew I was sick when he married me - he started taking over the housekeeping when it became apparent that I couldn't keep up with it.
I've felt guilty about it for a long time. But I'm glad to say that I no longer do, John does it out of love for me - he tries to protect me from as much stress as possible, he pays the bills - I don't even see them. He deals with any problems that come up, and I don't have to worry. But since I had that last miscarriage I decided to change my attitude - and try to do as much for John in regards to the housekeeping when I feel up to it. I have started to pace myself, in the morning when I get up I grab the dirty laundry - and sort it quickly while the kettle is on the boil for our cup of tea, then I unload the dishwasher - and put it away - I have a big cupboard in which I keep most of my plates, cutlery and pots and pans - all I have in my kitchen is a plank of wood covered with a piece of plastic, my laundry is connected to the kitchen, and I have a laundry sink there - with a cold water tap. Anyway, as I set the table, grab the things we need out of the fridge, and the pantry, make a pot of tea - I put any dirty dishes back into the dishwasher and start it.
Then while John starts eating his breakfast, I prepare his lunch, then while watching the early morning news - we chat while eating. We spend a lot of time talking every day - we're each other's best friend.
It was so amusing this morning - Oscar (my grey cat) was feeling like getting up to mischief - and was on the prowl - and our dog was quietly lying under the table - I thought he was being a really good boy (oh no - one of my cats - Isabelle - is just trying to get on my lap for a cuddle - and now I can not see my computer screen! She's purring her little head of - and is leaking on me) so I said "aren't you a good boy?" - at which he started to wag his tail - and that was all Oscar needed - he was trying to catch Jaap's tail! He was holding on and being swept across the floor while Jaap was looking at his back side as if he'd caught some strange and jucky bug! And then while we were finishing breakfast all of a sudden Oscar was attacking Jaap - for no apparent reason. Oscar looked so hilarious - he was all blown up - his tail was all fluffed up! Like a little bundle of fluff!
You know, my animals are such a joy to me. They really make me feel so much more cheerful when I am feeling down. Even my little budgies bring such joy in my life! They're so devoted to one another - they're always snuggling, feeding each other, cleaning each other.
I know that often I don't feel very good, that as Jo said I may be thinking "I am looking for some place to puke because I feel so sick! or I am in so much pain if I don't get another pain tablet soon, I am going to faint from it here on this very spot" and that sometimes I may wish the earth would swallow me up - I have been thinking often of all the things I am grateful and thankful for.
I live in the country - in a spot that is identical to the one in my dreams, it's quiet, where the birds sing in the forest behind my home - where the air is clean, and at night and early in the morning I love to stand outside on my veranda smelling the fresh scent of the pine forest and the native bush. We've got honeysuckle growing along the fence, and we've got a mandarin and orange which are flowering - and these scents are carried on the breeze. We've established a small orchard of fruit trees, and we've planted some nut trees. We've also planted a variety of other trees, native, European, and ever greens. I don't have much of a garden, I don't have any energy, although I am taking care of a small vegetable garden, but I have a couple of roses - I love roses - and I've been picking them and putting them in vases in my living room - I may not have any internal walls - and I may not have any carpet on the floor - but I can still make what I've got look homely, can't I? I've got a wonderful guy, who loves me no matter what! I've got my friend Prue, who had breast cancer - and is not very well, she's having her 5th operation, on Thursday, in 18 months, all because her wound won't heal, and she's had a pretty rough time - but we support each other and comfort each other through thick and thin - she's a lot older than me - in fact she and her wonderful husband Bill are in their 60's and have grown up children - older than I am, still age does not matter in friendship (John is 8 years older than I am). And we've got our friends Allan and Karyl - they also don't have a very easy life - Allan was in the Vietnam war and suffers from post war stress, and Karyl, who used to be my best friend and like a sister, has brittle Diabetes (Allan is diabetic also - along with a multitude of problems) as well as having epilepsy - she's been twice in a coma - once for 3 weeks, the last time for 9 weeks - the doctors thought that she wasn't going to make it - but a miracle happened - and she awoke - only she is brain damaged to a certain extend and can't be left alone. Allan looks after her full time - and he NEVER EVER complains! It makes me sad though, for Karyl is no longer the same Karyl as the one who was my best friend, and I miss her so much! But she's alive, that's the important thing for me to remember.
And now I am blessed with you guys. People I have never met face to face, but who are going through hard times as well, and who understand, and support one another. I think it is absolutely wonderful. I feel so blessed!
And last night, when my mother called on the phone, I did as Jo had suggested, when Mum asked how I was doing I said "UNBELIEVABLE" - "Oh" my mother said "I'm so glad that you're feeling so good" - and I thought "yeah! Right!". But it felt good, I didn't have to explain about my bowel blockage and have to listen for once to Mum saying stuff like "well, you must have done something wrong! What have you been eating that you shouldn't? It's your own fault you know! You don't look after yourself!" I felt really good not having to defend myself!
I'm so lucky!
Thank you all for everything.
Lot's of love,
Linda (getting it together!)