The Grief Process: The 5 stages of grief

From: Helen Dynda (olddad66@runestone.net)
Sat Jun 2 23:03:52 2001


When we lose someone close to us, when our health or security are threatened, whenever we face a great loss in our lives, we lose control. That's certainly not easy. The process of working through those losses is a difficult and confusing one. It can make us feel like we are losing our mind. The feelings come and go so unexpectedly. Just when we think things are all better, the feelings come back and are worse than ever. People who face losses in their lives go through certain stages. It all sounds so clinical, but I can tell you through personal experience that it is very true. I lost both my parents, my mom when I was 21 years old, my dad when I was 26. I have spent a great deal of time dealing with these losses and have come to understand that what the experts tell us is really true. These are the stages we all go through.

The Grief Process:

1. Numbness [Denial]. The body protects us from what is really happening. The experience does not seem real. We can go through the motions at the time of loss and sometimes through the time of the funeral as through we are spectators watching from a distance. This can be a stage of bargaining as well, telling God we will do or change anything if the person can be brought back. Over a period of time, reality is faced. It is important to talk about it , not to keep it at a distance with frantic activity, pills or alcohol.

2. Anger. May be directed at the doctor, nurses, ambulance people, anyone who could have saved the person, at innocent bystanders, God, ourselves, the person who died, the clergy person or even someone else who has not lost that particular relative or loved one.

3. Guilt. Guilt is anger turned toward ourselves. None of us is as kind, sensitive or thoughtful as we would like to be. We may feel bad about things we have said or done to hurt the person who has died. Since there is not time for apologies, we can be left with unfinished business. In the messy business of daily living, we do the best we can - and thank God for those who love us in our imperfections. Guilt can extend to our failure to see the future or to prevent the death. We can say a million times, "If only . . ." We can even feel guilty when we find ourselves having a good time or forgetting about our grief for a period of time.

4. Depression. A heavy pall hanging over everything. In our minds nothing will ever be all right again. Depression paralyzes us. The simplest and most ordinary jobs become almost impossible for us to do. Looking forward to tomorrow or anything is impossible. This is the most difficult and frightening stage. We need to strive to talk and to keep those who seem to withdraw from us involved in daily life.

5. Acceptance. The time emerges when we begin to believe we will make it through. That doesn't mean things will be the same as they were or that we won't miss the person any more, but it means things will be all right. We can talk about the loved one and remember them often, but we go on with life. We can find that our experience of loss can be very helpful to others facing similar losses. As we share their grief with them, we can find that contact healing for us as well.

>>There is more to read about the Grief Process at this website:

http://frpat.com/hpgrief.htm


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