[]> Moving effectively through the grief process
Ever since Elizabeth Kubler-Ross defined grief has having several, often overlapping stages, psychologists and social service workers have depended on the "process" notion to guide grievers. In general, if you have suffered an extreme loss, such as the death of a loved one, the news that your own demise is immanent, or other horrific happenings, chances are you, too, will pass through the stages roughly identified as the following:
Stage One-shock, denial, numbness
Stage Two-fear, anger, depression
Stage Three-understanding, acceptance, moving on
Before describing what to expect in the various stages, and how to move more easily through them, it is wise to note that the stages often overlap, and many times we need to recycle through a stage we thought was over. There are few rules, and the few that are, are there to be broken.
When my son died and I was deep in depression, often peppered with unexpected bouts of anger at his sudden loss, at the doctors who failed to treat him, at anyone who did not save him. But I began moving past that when I actively got involved in planting a spring garden, using my energy to bring life to something. I felt hopeful at some moments, often distracted from my obsession with my grief, and could even say at times that I was resigned, I had accepted I would never see my child again or hear his voice.
When those spring flowers began to bloom a couple of months later, however, I was devastated. Tears flowed at any and every reminded of my loss. I was confused and angry all over again. How could something beautiful, like flowers, toss me back into the whirlwind of emotions I thought I'd come through?
Once I understood that our passage often has to be repeated, and that recycling through the stages can go on for a while and still be healthy, as long as more and more we are passing into the next stage, I could relax, stop fighting the moments of nostalgia and sorrow, and trust that my family and I would make it through. Trust in the process seems to be the key-it will effectively fuel your journey of recovery, and leave you stronger. Going back to the pain is never easy, but each time we do, we are stronger and more able to bear it.
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