What A Pain! by Desiree Simons
I just hate those "holistic" types who want to deal with pain "the natural way." You can chew on a root and meditate all day long if you want. As for me, just give me drugs and nobody gets hurt.
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If you have ever spent any time in a hospital you know hospitals charge more per day than some five star hotels and the service isn't nearly as good. Recently I had knee surgery at a major metropolitan hospital. The surgery went well but the recovery was a "challenge" and it caused me to examine the whole concept of PAIN.
Nowadays hospitals have these wonderful things called "patient controlled anesthesia" (PCA) pumps. I love these things! You just push a button and you receive a dose of pain medication intravenously. Instant gratification at it's finest. You don't have to call a nurse and wait. At least, that's how it works until the pump runs out.
The day after surgery I pushed the button and waited for blessed relief. Nothing happened. I pushed it again. Suddenly the pump started BEEPING very loudly.
I pushed the call button for the nurse and in my most accommodating voice said, "Excuse me, I think the PCA pump is empty. It is beeping." "We'll be right there" was the response I received.Thirty minutes passed and no one came. The pain that had started in my knee slowly made it's way throughout my body. The machine just kept BEEPING and BEEPING. I pushed the call button again and said in a much less friendly tone, "The PCA pump is empty and I REALLY need some more pain medication." "I'll send someone" came the reply."
Another 20 minutes elapsed and the pain settled behind my eyeballs and began throbbing in perfect rhythm with the incessant BEEPING of the pump. I felt like a character in "The Tell Tale Heart." I was sweating so much and gripping the sheets so tightly you would have thought I was in labor.
By this time, I had lost any trace of civility. I pushed the call button a third time and said "If I don't get some pain medication soon I am going to yank this call button cord out of the wall and strangle myself with it! THIS WOULD NOT LOOK GOOD IN THE PAPERS!" They brought it. Sometimes you just have to know how to talk to people.
During my hospital stay I discovered a professional athlete was recovering in the room next to mine. Of course the nurses were all buzzing about it. I just kept thinking "I bet his pump never runs out of pain medication!"
We all know those "holistic" types who want to "work through the pain." I have friends who opted for natural childbirth so they could "bond with the baby." Not me. I told my doctor to wake me when it was over. I figured the kid and I would be bonding for the next 20 years. The first 10 or 15 minutes weren't going to make or break the relationship.
The people who really irritate me are the ones who write books about pain with titles like "Pain Can Be Our Friend" and "Dealing With Pain Nature's Way." Gimme a break. I bet most of those people have never even stubbed a toe.
Speaking as one who has smashed her arm through a closed window, broken both legs, had surgery on both knees, and endured a root canal (just to name a few things). Trust me. "Pain is NOT our friend." You can chew on a root and meditate all day if you want. As for me, just give me the drugs and nobody gets hurt.
I am home now and the bottle of pain medication is almost empty. Soon all I will have to rely on is chocolate.
Thank God it doesn't require a prescription.